Conversation with Mac

This was a conversation that Mckay, our 4 year old had with Janna today.  I didn't realize how much he really understood about what was going on.  Apparently much more than I gave him credit for.

Mac: "I wish you didn't get sick."

Janna: "I know, me too.  How does it make you feel?"

Mac: "I felt afraid when you were in the hospital."

Janna: "It was scary, wasn't it?  I felt afraid, too."

Mac: "Sometimes I still feel afraid when you go to the doctor."

Janna: "That's OK to feel afraid.  Sometimes I am, too.  And I miss you."

Mac: "I want to be with you and not with the people who are helping us."

No offense to the many friends and family that have been so gracious with their time in taking care of our family - it's been a wonderful blessing to witness just how loved our family really is.  :)

BUT, it really hit me how much that little bugger absorbed through all of this.  I know it hasn't been fun for any of our boys to see their mom go through this - it hasn't been easy for any of us - but I've done my best to try to put on a strong face and plow forward with the many work and other obligations I have.  I guess there will come a point when we should have a good heart to heart about how everyone is making it through this.  Because really, we're still right smack dab in the middle of it.  While things are looking very good (gratefully so), I have to remind myself that there is still a long way to go.  And it's not just Janna's physical healing that needs to occur - we're going to have to help our boys overcome lingering feelings of fear when mommy goes to the doctor - or even when mommy doesn't feel very good.  

I think the roller coaster ride this has been has kind of made me forget just how close we came to losing Janna.  This all started just about 3 months ago.  From having a full blown, extremely aggressive (and

 rare form of Leukemia) cancer attacking Janna's body to having it be in complete remission in the space of about 6 weeks makes things seem a bit unreal.  Add real life obligations to the mix, and none of us have really had any time to really think about what just happened - and continues to happen.  

In short, Alex Rasmussen, Lucas's 11 year old cousin and a cancer survivor himself, said it best - "Cancer Sucks."